discouragement & thanksgiving

Have you ever been headed down a path that you knew was ordered by God and as a result you were bursting with excitement? Have you ever tasted the thrill that comes from the prospects of new direction and calling in your life?

I've experienced the thrill and excitement in the past week of just that -- a sense of direction and vocation. After weeks of praying and filling out job applications and refining my resume and going in for interviews, I finally had peace about a calling that uses skills God has blessed me with in a field that fascinates me. The past few days have been filled with such joy for me, knowing the direction I needed to take after many weeks and months of uncertainty.

And yet today, in the midst of planning and executing and organizing details for this new venture, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of discouragement. What if I wasn't really cut out for this? What if all this excitement was just over a passing fad of enthusiasm about a dream job that didn't really exist? Perhaps the question that haunted me the most was this: What if I fail?

To add insult to injury, one of the most disappointing parts about meeting the onslaught of negative feelings and thoughts was that I knew that I was going to be faced with a surge of discouragement. I knew I would face it because it happens cyclically for me. I jump into something new and after a few short lived days of bliss, I fall into a pit of discouragement and have a hard time pulling myself out. Simply put, I was discouraged by my own discouragement. Talk about the "depths of despair."

This is an area I've wanted to have victory in for a long time. I want to be the happy, joyful person who doesn't give in to downer days and negative feelings. I want to have the feeling of being completely in control of my life and emotions and be able to talk myself out of any hint of feeling like I'll fail. But again and again I fall, and end up battling the same discouragement again.

Today as I closed my computer on my frustrations and headed up from the basement office where I was working into my bedroom, I sighed at the discouragement I felt. My room was a mess, and I didn't feel like being there, but it was the only place to be alone. I forced myself to clean, knowing it would make me feel better. I bagged up a bunch of stuff to drop off at Goodwill, knowing that the process of removing junk would help me mentally do the same thing. I opened a window to let in some fresh, springtime-in-February air and to also let out some of the stuffiness surrounding me. And as I sat on my bed to journal about how down I felt, I grabbed my Bible along with my journal; David was sure down in the pits enough - maybe he'd have something with which to encourage me.

"For the word of the Lord is upright, and all his work is done in faithfulness ... the whole earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord."

Those two verses spoke volumes to me in the moment of my discouragement. The whole earth is full of my Father's steadfast (unchanging, unwavering) love. I have to remember that in the moment of my discouragement, the evidences of God's love are everywhere, if I will only take the time to acknowledge them and thank him. Thanking him reminds me of his calling, of his placement of my life at this time and this place, and I'm filled with hope; the discouragement is lifted, and I'm free to praise God. Or maybe in the midst of my praise, I'm made free. I'm drawn into the love displayed at Calvary, and begin to preach the gospel to myself ... again. And in that proclamation of the gospel, my mind is renewed and able to recite the truth to my discouraged self.

Are you discouraged? Let God's love for you refresh you. Revel in it. And when the refreshment has settled in, continue with your work with the sound of his praises on your lips and in your heart, where the memory and knowledge of his love will carry you through.

[I'll post soon about the exciting (it really is!) new direction I'm headed. =)]

One Thousand Gifts

I've been slowly working my way through Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, a book about eucharisteo, or thanksgiving. Through personal stories and musings from her life and walk with God, she posits that our life should be one of thanksgiving; without giving thanks our lives can have no joy, and we overlook the many blessings that God bestows on us daily. A friend of hers challenged her to write a list of one thousand gifts in her life that she was thankful for, and I've been inspired to do the same. By giving thanks, we acknowledge God as the author of all good things, and our life becomes one of praise.

As I was thinking about the book this evening, I thought of one thing I would add to my growing list of one thousand gifts, and that is simply the gift of good friends. Specifically, friends who are willing to pull me outside of my comfortable box, whether that's encouraging me in a job pursuit, or telling me that I can't stay home and "just read" one more night -- I have to get out and go to dinner and a movie. I'm grateful for the friends who invest in me and love me unconditionally, and who are always there for me. I'm grateful for these gifts.

I'm hoping to post on here about more of the thousands of gifts from God to me. It's a challenging and humbling exercise to be struck by the little and big blessings and to take time to give thanks -- to acknowledge God's goodness and grace and to praise him for who he is.

"By this we know love..."

"By this we know love, that He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers."

This was the opening text for my pastor's sermon last Sunday night, and I've been thinking about his words and this passage ever since. He made one statement that really stood out to me: "The only way we know what love is is by examining the cross." It's true. I can't understand how to love until I've fastened my eyes on the cross. I don't know compassion until the meaning of the cross is impressed upon me strongly. Loving requires living my life centered on the gospel -- the good news that God loves me!

Practically, this can look like a lot of things. 1 John 3:18 says, "...let us not love in word or talk but in deed and truth." I think a good starting point to loving others is getting to the place where we can love in word and talk. If we can't love others through our communication to them and about them, we certainly can't do it through our deed and the truth. This first step is hard, and yet -- according to this passage -- it isn't even the most important. After we learn to communicate in love, we must act in love. And I know I can't do that apart from a life that is fixed at the cross, because the temptations to do otherwise (engage in one little bit of gossip, or read one little negative thing, or think one little harsh thought about another) are strong.

We learn to love by gazing on the One who is the very expression of the Father's love to us. We learn this lesson at the foot of the cross.

Why Blog?

Confession: This isn't the first blog I've started.

Goal: Actually write on this blog.

I've found that writing keeps me accountable. It keeps me accountable in how I think, and what I think about each day. Forcing myself to write forces me to confront my thoughts and what I spend time thinking about. Perhaps as a logical next step, it forces me to consider how I spend my time each day. Am I wasting time in day dreams? Am I thinking through the implications of my daily actions? Am I thinking ahead?

So, the purpose of this blog? It will be a place to express some of my thoughts. I don't know that I'll write here every day, but I hope to develop the habit of writing a little bit every day (yay for journals!). It's a discipline, and one that I hope to practice for the rest of my life. Hopefully my writing will be beneficial and enjoyable for whoever ends up reading it!

Settling

After wandering and traveling and seeing and experiencing, settling down is rather a scary venture for me. As difficult as it may be to pack, unpack, board planes, meet new people, and engage with new ideas, it is equally as difficult and terrifying at times for me to just settle down and commit to a place and community. I know what travel and adventure looks like -- I've been blessed with those things for the past few years. But a vision of what it means to stay and to invest? That's what I'm learning about now.

And so, I embark on a new type of adventure. The adventure of staying. And I think within that venture, there are all kinds of opportunities to explore, to travel, to learn and to grow. Perhaps these opportunities come in different forms than before, like in reading a book instead of boarding a plane, but they are filled with unexpected joys as well.

I'm looking forward to some of the following things in this new season: Enjoying time spent with friends here; writing letters to friends far away; finding a job (!); anticipating what will happen in the future. With me, who knows the next time I will board a plane to a new job, country, or visit. But for now, I'll enjoy the present and the community of church and friends here. In a way, this blog is a place for me to record the things I'm learning, to wrestle with thoughts, and to speak simply of the beauty of things found in the now.