I've experienced the thrill and excitement in the past week of just that -- a sense of direction and vocation. After weeks of praying and filling out job applications and refining my resume and going in for interviews, I finally had peace about a calling that uses skills God has blessed me with in a field that fascinates me. The past few days have been filled with such joy for me, knowing the direction I needed to take after many weeks and months of uncertainty.
And yet today, in the midst of planning and executing and organizing details for this new venture, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of discouragement. What if I wasn't really cut out for this? What if all this excitement was just over a passing fad of enthusiasm about a dream job that didn't really exist? Perhaps the question that haunted me the most was this: What if I fail?
To add insult to injury, one of the most disappointing parts about meeting the onslaught of negative feelings and thoughts was that I knew that I was going to be faced with a surge of discouragement. I knew I would face it because it happens cyclically for me. I jump into something new and after a few short lived days of bliss, I fall into a pit of discouragement and have a hard time pulling myself out. Simply put, I was discouraged by my own discouragement. Talk about the "depths of despair."
This is an area I've wanted to have victory in for a long time. I want to be the happy, joyful person who doesn't give in to downer days and negative feelings. I want to have the feeling of being completely in control of my life and emotions and be able to talk myself out of any hint of feeling like I'll fail. But again and again I fall, and end up battling the same discouragement again.
Today as I closed my computer on my frustrations and headed up from the basement office where I was working into my bedroom, I sighed at the discouragement I felt. My room was a mess, and I didn't feel like being there, but it was the only place to be alone. I forced myself to clean, knowing it would make me feel better. I bagged up a bunch of stuff to drop off at Goodwill, knowing that the process of removing junk would help me mentally do the same thing. I opened a window to let in some fresh, springtime-in-February air and to also let out some of the stuffiness surrounding me. And as I sat on my bed to journal about how down I felt, I grabbed my Bible along with my journal; David was sure down in the pits enough - maybe he'd have something with which to encourage me.
"For the word of the Lord is upright, and all his work is done in faithfulness ... the whole earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord."
Those two verses spoke volumes to me in the moment of my discouragement. The whole earth is full of my Father's steadfast (unchanging, unwavering) love. I have to remember that in the moment of my discouragement, the evidences of God's love are everywhere, if I will only take the time to acknowledge them and thank him. Thanking him reminds me of his calling, of his placement of my life at this time and this place, and I'm filled with hope; the discouragement is lifted, and I'm free to praise God. Or maybe in the midst of my praise, I'm made free. I'm drawn into the love displayed at Calvary, and begin to preach the gospel to myself ... again. And in that proclamation of the gospel, my mind is renewed and able to recite the truth to my discouraged self.
Are you discouraged? Let God's love for you refresh you. Revel in it. And when the refreshment has settled in, continue with your work with the sound of his praises on your lips and in your heart, where the memory and knowledge of his love will carry you through.
[I'll post soon about the exciting (it really is!) new direction I'm headed. =)]
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